My first and I think only girlfriend (I do not count, of course, the little girlfriends of primary or secondary) was Yisel. I dreamed of her a while ago. It was a very vivid dream, and much more logical that most of my dreams.
I got up and wrote a poem in one sitting. Here I share it with you: “Last night I dreamed about you / Yisel / first girlfriend / girlfriend of very few days / petal mouth / closed legs / tender skin / last night I dreamed about you / and I stole a kiss / and you complained / and you said to me / do not dare / and I stole another kiss from you / And you left me / playing hard to get / Yisel / how I miss all that/ how far those days / what changed / you and me / and all / but I liked your mouth / it is weird/ but still / I liked your mouth … “I do not know if Yisel read this poem, I do not know if she liked it if finally read it.
Long time no talk to Yisel. I phoned a few months ago, before the dream, and we talked a bit and we caught up. As well as you can on the phone. She was very kind to me, as always. I liked talking to her, but I feel we have to find a day to speak without trouble, to remember those times to update us and tell us our stuff.
I loved Yisel so much and I think I still do, but we haven’t seen each other in 15 years. I saw Yisel the first day of classes at the Vocational Pre-University Institute of Exact Sciences Ignacio Agramonte (aka Ceballos 2), back in Ciego de Ávila. I was still a little sad, it was the first time I went to study outside of my town. I missed my mother very much and I was afraid.
We met in the classroom and we were introduced to everyone. I noticed Yisel who was a very skinny girl and I thought she was beautiful. I was staring at her when she noticed my presence. She looked into my eyes and it troubled me. Someone had to realize (someone always realize) and then people started to say that how we looked alike, Yisel and I, we could say we were brothers, but as obviously we were not, we could very well become boyfriends.
I wanted the earth to swallow me, but Yisel took it much lighter. She played along. And from that moment we became friends, good friends indeed. I liked being with Yisel, talking and studying with her, go together to eat oranges … And it all started without me noticing. My friends encouraged me to fall in love that because it was obvious that she liked me. I was, frankly, also attracted to her. One day, very nervous, I decided to talk to her. And she said yes. It was a matter of days. I did not know how to be anyone’s boyfriend. I guess I have not been up to Yisel´s expectations.
The case is she soon left me. And I confess: I was really hurt, but at the same time I felt relieved. Difficult years of adolescence. I knew I liked boys. In fact, I had fantasies with some of my colleagues. But at the same time, I felt something very particular for Yisel, something beyond caring. I wanted to hug her, kiss her, touch her … When I did, the few times she let me do it, it excited me tremendously.
Sometimes I went to bed thinking, “Am I or am I not gay? If I am, why I like Yisel so much? Maybe I’m not and I’m just confused. Ultimately, if I am, it should not be, so better enhance how I feel about Yisel and it maybe cures me … We’ll see. “Luckily I was always a balanced and rational boy. Another in my place would have gone wrong. The case was the three years I spent in constant flirtation with Yisel. I went to study journalism and she medicine. One day she said: “When we’re in college, I’ll call and we decide.” I called, indeed. But I already had many things clear and decisive. I did not tell her. Maybe she imagined it …
